Shrekism

Shrekism is the native pagan religion of the Waddenzee area. Not to be confused with the unrelated and inferior Shrekist Catholicism.

History

The ancient native religion in Waddenzee, it was standardized by Pastelant in August 2021

Beliefs

The Epic of Shrek

As told in the 3000-line Frisian/Waddenish saga of the Epic of Shrek, before our time, Gods clashed and fought over their different forms of life and worlds of their creation, which they each thought were superior, as thousands of beings across the multiverse were brutally eliminated in their terror. The saga tells how one great and just God, Shrek, defeated them all with his diplomacy and might and brought them to his side -which was no small feat.

After all these lesser Gods were thoroughly defeated, he quarreled with the evil yet immensely powerful Farquaad of the Twin-Vagabond and the Consumer of Darkness (the devil/satan figure), before winning an awesome victory where all the other Gods sang or played trumpets and cymbals in his glory. He was anointed and crowned the Omnipotent Grand Prince of the Universe, and the lesser Gods were reformed into the Knights of Light, and order of fair angels devoted to Shrek and his wisdom. However, he feared other mortal beings may follow the same process as the reformed lesser Gods, as they were created in their ideal images. So, he made the Knights of Light merge or the realms into a grand celestial bowl of beans. He graciously gave thanks, and ate it. Soon, he thunderously farted out the three new realms - the Higher (Hejiriesc) , the Middle (Madoelriesc) and the Lower (Deofilriesc). He casted Farquaad the evil one into the Lower to rot, and all the combined species into the middle, and gave them other new fair species, and horrible hostile mobs to create literally the moderate world -not too good, not too bad.

To help spread his name among the quarreling players, he rose from the Waddell Sea and created great swamps in his higher's image amidst him, and became known as "Hie dat froem diepe eriesef" (He that rises from the deep). These gifts gave great awe to the tired population, who were suffering from the lack of land to use. After preaching for seven days, he ascended up with the Knights of Light, singing in heavenly counterpoint "it's all ogre now", before leaving the mortal lands to re-join the heavenly higher. One day, when humanity once again falls into peril and strife, he will come back down to guide us again.

Practices

The combined species, known as players, have to let go of the primal need for competition -that originated from the lesser Gods- to final rise to the Higher: a swamp, but instead of reeds, there are paddies of sweet onions and intertwining rivers of Shrek's green coom. To do this, they must believe in placidity and honesty, and pledge to never start an aggressive war. They also must never kill another player, unless in retaliation. If they are cruel and bloodthirsty and break these rules without confession and a bid for forgiveness, they are sent to the Lower to rot there with Farquaad. It is forbidden to depict such a place, but it is said the Garden of Earthly Delights by Hieronymus Bosch is the closest depiction anyway. A few believers seem him as the first Shrekist, but this isn't fully accepted. It may take many rebirths to finally earn the right to ascend to the higher. Some never do, despite Shrek's eternal compassion. This, obviously, makes him quite depressed when some don't make it through- but it weeds out the bad ones that can never redeem. Shrek can always forgive, but only if you reform.

There is no clergy or religious leader, and all members practice lay-preaching and the sacraments- which including bathing in the Weddell Sea at least seven times in their lifetime. The Weddell Sea is a holy site and the waters are said to have healing-powers, and can talk to you in wisdom and guidance. In a way, it is one of the Knights of Light, and you can ask it for less important, and more whimsical things too such as to allow someone to show feelings for you or to get a pay-rise. However, some of this greed is reported by the sea to Shrek and could lower your chances into entering the higher, depending on what you ask for.

There is no complex baptism or rite of passage, but you must show belief in all it's teachings. Even though other religions are respected, in the eyes of the faithful believers you must go by all the rules set by Shrekism. But never does it mention having to fully believe in Shrek. If you're a good boi that's never heard of him, Shrek will let you in anyway. There is equality between the sexes, races, etc. But Frisian and Waddenish are seen as holy languages and are considered pure tongues.

Distribution

The Religion is found mostly in Waddenzee, Amsterdam and Atlantis.